we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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