Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
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The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
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i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy