no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
3pm strippers are depressing
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
