im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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