His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
21 MILFs That Made The Boys Crazy
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.