So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.