If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
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