My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
