Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
