Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
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