he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
