I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
