someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
