she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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