He uses pillows to masturbate.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
