Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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