If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
my liver is dry heaving
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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