her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize