Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Randomize
