i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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