Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
