My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
FUCK WHALES
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
