I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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