shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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