someone threw a dead crab at me
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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