A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
zippers are such a cool invention
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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