he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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