haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
