I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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