take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Randomize
