Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
