I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
