Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
