Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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