Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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