see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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