It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.