I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.