let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
