Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
why do cheetos always look like penises
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
