Dude my mom stole all your condoms
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
