mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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