Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
