the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You were trust falling into bushes
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
