turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
