3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
