Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
