If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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