In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
3pm strippers are depressing
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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