haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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