It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
