HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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