I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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