Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
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Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I want a musical about memes.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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