tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
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