I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
