I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
