I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
