Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I lost the right to judge tonight
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
