the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
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giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
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I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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