Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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